Love February 11, 2009

This weekend, a holiday occurs that elicits the most extreme of actions from a good portion of our nation. Nearly every person, in some way, will see the red balloons, the pink and white window decor, the heart decorations, the television spots, the merchandise…ad nauseum. Some will rush out to buy flowers, cards, chocolate, jewelry-anything they can to drain their wallet at the hope that their significant other will feel more special on this Hallmark-created day than they did the day before. In a depressing flip-side, others will feel more lonely than they have all year, with the realization that they have no one to spend this over-hyped, over-done day with. Today, readers, I encourage you to play neither party.

I have always quoted Valentine’s Day to be my favorite holiday of the entire year. I consider myself to be a romantic, so it make sense that the one day out of the year dedicated to celebrating love would be my favorite. At this point, though, the idea that I ever even mentioned that I liked the day is slightly ironic, if not laughable. You see, in order to appreciate a day celebrating a particular emotion, it would do one well to actually know that emotion, experience that emotion, take note of that emotion. It would seem, then, that I was remarkably unprepared to celebrate this “day of love” in the past; I never knew what love was.

At this point, you are getting nauseated. Not by the visions of chalk-flavored candy hearts dancing in circles above a plethora of red and white doilies and roses that I have thus far created in your mind, but because you think you see what’s coming. You think I’m going to give 15-year-old high school girls a run for their money in the amount of time I am going to spend now talking about my boyfriend. Think again.

Though love has always existed in my life, I never took note, never to the extent that I have in recent times. Love is so many things, and can be felt so many ways. Love can just as easily exist between two friends as passionately as it does between two lovers, just in different forms, and expressed in different ways. It is, to it’s core, the most intruiging, most versatile emotion to exist on this earth. Looking back on this past year, I realize that I have never experienced such an abundance of love in my life. I have seen love, felt love, had love, lost love, and been in love. This leads me to the question, what is love? I can only answer with experience.

Love is two parents supporting their daughter’s very random move to a seemingly foreign place, and encouraging her in every step of the way.

Love is a young, single father painting his precious daughter’s fingernails weekly, and watching the same silly movies over and over just to see her smile.

Love is two friends who met 16 years ago in a sandbox, willing to be there for the other at a moment’s notice, regardless of the reason.

Love is two parents toiling every day physically, mentally, and emotionally to watch the success of their daughter’s magazine business unfold, and being all the more proud of her every day.

Love is a friend that is there no matter how poorly situations were handled  in the past, or what country he’s in.

Love is a family that takes their younger, new neighbor under their wing-feeding her great meals when she works long days, introducing her to the neighborhood, and just being there to listen.

Love is two adults who love a girl so much, she could practically be their daughter-and who take steps to ensure she is on the right path and being held accountable.

Love is a man who waited patiently for the girl he  fell for, from the moment he met her-regardless of who she was seeing or how long it took her to come around.

On that note, love is Maplewood Avenue.

Love is a mother who collects change for months, saving up for something special for herself, only to give it to her daughter who she hears is having difficulties making ends meet.

Love is the feeling in the room at a family reunion.

Love is a young couple, just coming out of financial struggles, sending grocery money to the woman’s younger sister to ensure she eats well.

Love is the essence of God.

Love is a boyfriend who encourages his girlfriend to travel thousands of miles away from him to fulfill lifelong dreams of hers.

Love is two friends who schedule all their classes together, hang out together, and never get sick of each other.

Love is an elderly man who still calls his wife his “beautiful princess”.

Love is a squeal, a belly laugh, a run, and a hug from a handsome six year old boy upon seeing his “sister” after a long time away.

Love is two people, married for 27 years, organizing a garage together, only to stop when one of their songs comes on…to dance.

Love is many things, it can come in many forms. Thank you, all of you, for showing me what love is this past year. I’ve never felt my heart swell so much as I have in the past 365 days. Here’s to love, may all of you be showered with love from your friends, families, and significant others. I love you guys.

I want January 23, 2009

I want to go back.

Back to that mountain.

Back to that street.

Back to being happy.

Back to being myself.

I want to go back.

Lyrics. September 30, 2008

To you, who I generally have regarded as one of the top loves in my life: You’re right about the slow fade. Just know it’s not an immediate return, but it is happening.

A song by Casting Crowns says a lot:

Be careful little eyes what you see.
It’s the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings.
Be careful little feet where you go,
For it’s the little feet behind you that are sure to follow…

It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It’s a slow fade, it’s a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear,
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray.

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you’re thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

-Casting Crowns

My heart is broken. It will never be the same.

Noise August 12, 2008

When a song is on repeat, you can’t help but focus on it, be affected by the lyrics, and think about it constantly. Such is the case with the countdown of days in my head. The tune of sadness is the same, but the words are different every time.

“6 days, 6 days, 6 days.”

“4 more days of being neighbors with Patrick.”

“5 more days of work.”

“A week and a half until school starts.”

“Less than a week until I am in the car back to South Carolina.”

All day, every day, this song of loss plays in my head. The numbers change, but yet it presses on. They are now in the single digits, and have been for a while. With every glance at a clock, every email received, every text looked at, I am reminded of the date, and the volume is turned up.

Where is the mute button, and why can’t I find it?

I wish I was capable of not focusing on such depressing facts, but that’s not in my character, my nature. Unfortunately, I have always been one to let things get to me and bother me until I am practically nauseated and pulling my hair out over the stress of being bogged down by negativity. It’s a flaw I am trying to eradicate, but this situation does not help in any way.

I have attempted to think about things I can look forward to in North Carolina. I have been left grasping at straws on more than one occasion. I finally got something to look forward to, and my spirits picked up noticeably. At this point, though, it’s not looking good anymore, which was a letdown. As simple as it was, it was something that was keeping me going, giving me something exciting to focus on, and now I am left grasping again.

I am presently standing on the edge of an amazing experience, staring into a void, an unknown. Behind me lie incredible opportunities, relationships, experiences, and places. I have to step forward, but my shoes feel full of lead. Regardless, what’s behind will quickly disappear, and I must press on.

It is, without a doubt, the most difficult transition of my life.

Someone, please, turn the volume down. I want to hear the beauty of these last few days, and dwell on the people, places, and experiences I have had the pleasure to behold.

An open, slightly satirical letter to a street corner evangelist May 27, 2008

Dear Mr. Evangelist with a penchant for yelling,

Greetings from the fornicating, adulterous, homosexual, hell-bound state of Vermont! I hope life is treating you well. With those Italian leather shoes, high-end designer duds, and extremely expensive bottled water, I’d say it sure is! Anyway, I’d just like to extend my thanks for the great example you set for Christianity this past Sunday. It would seem that the best way to show people Christ’s love is to stand in the most populated section of downtown Burlington, screaming at everyone willing to give you a second glance that they are going to burn in a lake of fire. You sure have that part down, friend. Next time, as you’re yelling at people explicit accusations about their sex lives and just what exactly it is that homosexual men do, please ensure that there are even more children around than the 10 or so you so lovingly allowed to hear the language you used Sunday. It’s fine, as long as it’s all in the name of God, right? Oh, and the “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” bit…very, very clever. No one has ever heard that one before, giving you all the more reason to say it over 10 times in 5 minutes! My favorite gesture you made was the literal and figurative finger pointing, though. As the crowd screamed back at you that you were judging them, you denied the accusations vehemently, and then proceeded to judge each and every one of people before you. Forget informing these people of what the bible says in regards to certain issues! The best idea is to assume each of them takes part in debauchery, and scream in their faces as to their ultimate destination. You, sir, are the purveyor of such first-rate notions, and I applaud you for that.

No matter what, remember to keep reiterating how every single person around you, regardless of if you know their personal relationship with the Lord or not, is going to hell. Seriously, great strategy. It worked Sunday, right? I mean, you must have led…zero? negative 200? people to Him today. Great job! Now the actual, well-meaning Christians have to spend hours with these people whose minds you just corrupted to ensure them that you’re a psychotic man and that what you have to say is not representative of Christianity or the base of Christianity-God’s unfaltering love. Thanks again, buddy!

Sincerely,

The girl in the flowered skirt staring at you with sadness and incredulity in her eyes.

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“Where one man reads the Bible, a hundred others read you and me.”- D.L. Moody

“Therefore you have no excuse, every one of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. And we know that the judgment of God rightly falls upon those who practice such things. But do you suppose this, O man, when you pass judgment on those who practice such things and do the same yourself, that you will escape the judgment of God?” -Romans 2:1-3

New days May 26, 2008

I’d like to mention first and foremost that I will never again write a blog as long as the last one. Please, post in the comments section if you actually read to the bottom of that thing…you seriously deserve a medal, because I practically fell asleep reading it. Wow.

This weekend has been pretty amazing. I went out Friday with S…and it was great. We went to my new favorite hang out, The Red Square. Because I’m awesome like that, I didn’t have to pay the cover charge. Ok, it wasn’t entirely because of my awesomeness, but I digress. So S and some of her friends and I all went and danced to some fun songs for a good long time…talk about a workout! I loved it! Occasionally, a guy would come up and attempt to dance with us, but I’d just push them away and go back to being silly with the girls. They were pretty understanding, which was surprising. I ended up spending the night at S’s house on Church Street…amazing.

The next day (Saturday), I got up and drove back to Milton, where I live. I did laundry and hung out until P called, and we went on a lunch date downtown. We met at Red Square, and walked down to the waterfront, where he took me to this amazing restaurant called Splash. It’s right on a dock on the water overlooking Lake Champlain and the mountains. Dang I love that view. I had a small salad which took me 45 minutes to eat (I kept talking…haha), but it was incredible…(even though at some point the vinegarette must have splashed onto my sweater…how do I get oil out of fabric, moms who read this?!) Anyway, it was really refreshing to spend time with someone such as this guy. Very intelligent, knows what he wants in life, respectful, and funny. So far, the most quality guy I’ve met in Vermont, by far. Sounds great, right? Yeah…he moves back to New Jersey tomorrow? for the summer, then comes back just days before I am moving back to NC. It’s just not in the cards for us to hang out more, I guess. But it was very fun going to lunch, for sure.

Saturday night, I stayed in and made myself an incredible dinner, then watched The Darjeeling Limited with K. Not too bad, but I practically fell asleep during it.

This morning, I attempted church, Vermont style. Apparently Jesus was off today at the church I wanted to go to in Colchester, because I drove almost 20 minutes to find a sign on the door saying “Church canceled for ministry (in some other town).” I wasn’t super happy, but drove back to Milton and attended the first church I saw. To be honest, I wasn’t happy with it at all, for many reasons. Oh well. Next week.

Today I went back to downtown. I truly love the area down there. I watched break dancers, an evangelist (next blog), two very young violinists, a guitar player, and a magician perform. After just walking around for a while, I went to visit P at Red Square again, as per his request via text message. He was working, but there was a great DJ outside, so I sat out on the patio area and read my book while listening to this guy mix the most surprising genres together and making them work. Loved it. I then ordered a drink only to find out that P took care of it for me. It’s pretty nice to be taken care of once in a while. We talked a good bit, but I’m hoping I get to see him once more before he leaves. Selfish? Maybe…but I really enjoy this guy’s company, and who knows when I’ll meet someone so awesome again? Hoping it’s mutual.

MM and I? Fully and completely done. Saw him at Red Square the other night with a…girl? Who knows with that one. I tried to be civil and say hi, but he got all pompous and refused to acknowledge me. That’s fine, exciting, really. He’s the most self absorbed person I’ve ever met, and literally texted me the most immature texts the other day, one of them saying “peace loser!” and another ending in “f*** off.” As everyone warned me, he was bad news, and a complete waste of my time. He was a bike ride, a fellow texter, and someone to tell me about the area. Past that? Nothing.

Tomorrow I’m off, but I’ll probably run into work to get my camera upload cord. I want to go out and take photos tomorrow, for sure. I think the next or next-next blog will be like a photo album…should be nice.

Leave me some comments if you have time. I’m curious as to who reads this. I had 150 views or so on my busiest day, but no indication of who could have made up that number. Oh well.

Love you guys.

Photo: Quick shot, not looking, out of the window on my way to work.