I have officially left Vermont, moved into my first house ever, and started my last year of school. Surprisingly, though, I am not nearly as excited as I think I should be in this case.
Many people who know me have recently asked,“what’s wrong?” on a fairly consistent basis. The fact of the matter is that I am not quite sure how to answer that inquisition. I’m not sure that anything is necessarily “wrong,” but I know I don’t feel completely “right.” My move from Vermont to South Carolina, then to North Carolina, was a whirlwind, and things have just begun to settle. As the dust clears, I have begun to notice that I feel a void is present. Whether it is in my heart or my life is yet to be determined, but it exists nonetheless. It’s not that I am crying all of the time (though it has happened a bit more than usual lately), it’s more of an uncomfortable calmness and distancing of myself that I currently possess. It leaves many people around me questioning, yet I am most curious of all as to the source.
I knew I’d miss Vermont; who wouldn’t? Though I spent my summer taking in the essence of the most beautiful location I’ve seen on earth thus far, Vermont is a place of still undiscovered mystery to me. Unlike in the South, I feel that I haven’t even scratched the surface of getting to know the types of people that live in the beautiful state. Even though (largely thanks to TB) I walked, hiked, and kayaked much of the land and water, I am sure that I haven’t come close to experiencing even a fraction of the natural wonders the area has to offer. I was also only hours away from a number of members of my extended family, and only minutes away from my favorite cousin, but I missed the opportunity to see them on more than one occasion. It’s safe to say that I will be back, if only to reclaim the roots I began to plant, and to take in the place I know I have left my heart.
Speaking of my heart, it is most likely beyond obvious that one reason for the void is my sudden detachment from a person who had become a fixture in my life-Patrick. He and I practically lived together this summer (as most of you know, we were neighbors), seeing each other upon arrival from work all the way up to the point where he would sleepily trudge back to his house at 2am, and texting any time in between. The fact that he was such an overwhelming presence in my life led to the unfortunate feeling of complete emptiness when he left me last Friday. I tend to be above situations, in my opinion-I am too prideful to let circumstances get the better of me. Surprisingly to me, unsurprisingly to the majority of you, I am sure, this situation grabbed me in the most upsetting way, and I am still trying to grip it correctly. Much to Pat’s chagrin, I am quick to throw in the towel, slow to apology and acceptance of such, and often fairly pessimistic. I know for a fact that all of these tendencies comprise a sort of defense mechanism I have put in place for myself-an unwillingness to allow either of us to get hurt. I need to take a cue from the way I’ve been in recent memory, and just jump in, take a risk, and see what happens. I also need to break down the parts of this so-called defense mechanism I have built, and treat Patrick with the love and respect he deserves, with the patience and attentiveness he so consistently offers me. Bear with me, HNB.
Lastly, financial worry has yet again crept up and taken over, with the burden of finding a steady source of income wearing on me. I am currently seeking after a position with the same company I worked for this summer-writing blogs for their wedding website. If I can secure this, I think I’ll be pretty set. I’m still attempting to have 3 jobs on top of that, though. Surprisingly, none but the blog-writing would be steady or pay even fairly well, but I need any money I can get at this point. I can’t wait until I am out of college and pulling myself out of this miserable financial pit of despair, though I know I still have a long road ahead with student loans.
As a positive, I am looking forward to my birthday which comes in 17 days. I’ll be 22 years old, and I’m hoping so deeply that I get the present that was semi-promised to me as of last week. The kitten issue is no more-my roommate is allergic, so I had to go a different route. Patrick and I talked about it, and are seriously considering a dog. He said he might buy me one for my birthday. Not a puppy that requires an inordinate amount of training, vet visits, and attention, not a massive dog…just a small to medium sized chill dog to keep me company and accompany me on this crazy life of mine. I have been against it in the past, but I’m beginning to see its merits. After a brief search online, I found an incredibly sweet looking border terrier mix on petfinder that looks exactly like Baxter from Anchorman, and fell in love. We’ll see though. So much could change in a month, and by that time, I may be on to my next desire or adventure. Best case scenario is that I get this job with the company I worked for over the summer, as well as the occasional catering weekend. This would allow me to spend a lot of time at home, rather than neglecting the dog as so many college students end up doing. Only time will tell, I guess.
I am determined to not let anything bring me down, but I’ll be the first to admit that it takes a lot of drive and focus to let that be the case. If I look to the future-not what I am leaving behind, I can realize that with each passing day, it is only getting better. With each passing day, I am one step closer to finishing this chapter of my life for good and moving on to the next one that I so desperately want to inhabit. Yet, as the lyrics of my favorite song, “Vienna,” by Billy Joel suggest, I need to slow down and live the life I’m living. Tommorow will come at its own pace.
“There is no future, there is no past. I live this moment as my last.There’s only us, there’s only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, no day but today”-RENT
