When a song is on repeat, you can’t help but focus on it, be affected by the lyrics, and think about it constantly. Such is the case with the countdown of days in my head. The tune of sadness is the same, but the words are different every time.
“6 days, 6 days, 6 days.”
“4 more days of being neighbors with Patrick.”
“5 more days of work.”
“A week and a half until school starts.”
“Less than a week until I am in the car back to South Carolina.”
All day, every day, this song of loss plays in my head. The numbers change, but yet it presses on. They are now in the single digits, and have been for a while. With every glance at a clock, every email received, every text looked at, I am reminded of the date, and the volume is turned up.
Where is the mute button, and why can’t I find it?
I wish I was capable of not focusing on such depressing facts, but that’s not in my character, my nature. Unfortunately, I have always been one to let things get to me and bother me until I am practically nauseated and pulling my hair out over the stress of being bogged down by negativity. It’s a flaw I am trying to eradicate, but this situation does not help in any way.
I have attempted to think about things I can look forward to in North Carolina. I have been left grasping at straws on more than one occasion. I finally got something to look forward to, and my spirits picked up noticeably. At this point, though, it’s not looking good anymore, which was a letdown. As simple as it was, it was something that was keeping me going, giving me something exciting to focus on, and now I am left grasping again.
I am presently standing on the edge of an amazing experience, staring into a void, an unknown. Behind me lie incredible opportunities, relationships, experiences, and places. I have to step forward, but my shoes feel full of lead. Regardless, what’s behind will quickly disappear, and I must press on.
It is, without a doubt, the most difficult transition of my life.
Someone, please, turn the volume down. I want to hear the beauty of these last few days, and dwell on the people, places, and experiences I have had the pleasure to behold.
