(This blog was written over the course of a week or so)
I am presently in the backseat of a car right now, riding down interstate 93 on my way to Martha’s Vineyard.
Tuesday night, I flew to Charleston to see my family, saw a bunch of friends and family, and then headed to North Carolina to be a bridesmaid in Jess’ wedding. I flew into Burlington at 12:15 last night, only to wake up this morning, repack my bags, and head out to meet a few coworkers and a photographer to take the drive to Martha’s Vineyard. I’ll be spending the week there, Cape Cod, and Nantucket working on photo shoots and the like. My parents fly in for a vacation on Wednesday night, and I’ll be be able to see them a little this weekend, hopefully. I’m supposed to be leaving again next Sunday to go to the Hamptons for more shoots, but I’ve recently heard that may be postponed. We’ll see. After all of this, I still only have a few short weeks left in Vermont. I leave August 17 to come back to North Carolina, and I’ll be honest-I’m not looking forward to it.
It’s hard for me, knowing how much money Gardner-Webb costs, and not feeling at all happy there anymore. I question whether I have found true contentedness yet. I feel that I will be constantly seeking, searching, and running after this white rabbit called as such, and always looking ahead to my next adventure. I need to learn to be content in every situation, with any person, though it’s people that I am having a hard time with these days…
As I am writing this, I am thinking back to the relationships I have made here in Vermont, to the friends I saw these past few days in the South. I am sad to say that so many of them feel forced, so many feel fake, and so many feel like such a guise. I wonder why I keep falsehood so close to my heart, when it’s not even worth it. I am not sitting here wallowing in self pity, convincing myself that no one truly cares, etc. What I am saying is that I don’t feel close with most people these days, and I am quite sure that a majority of the fault lies at my feet. I have recently begun building a wall around myself, and only a select few have taken it upon themselves to try to scale it. I don’t expect anyone else to, really, and I actually would rather them not. I need to come to a point where I feel that I can trust people again. A number of past relationships have left me questioning the motivations and hearts of every person I come into contact with, which is a horrible way to interact with others. I am constantly on high alert, and I am very wary of letting others see my emotions. To be sure, this is my battle and mine alone, and I hope to succeed in the end. For those who are trying to get in, I appreciate your patience. For those who have given up, I don’t blame you.
——————————-(now being written almost a week later)———————-
I semi-frequently get the feeling that things are becoming out of my control, spinning just out of my grasp, consistently just shy of my fingertips. I’ve felt this feeling in recent days. With two and a half weeks until I leave for North Carolina, I am beginning to feel a loss in my heart, a loss of a place that has become my home. A loss of some people who I really began to get close with, a loss of the feeling of accomplishment I have after seeing the final product of some of my work…so much. I can’t describe it.
Another loss I am beginning to feel is the loss of someone who has become my very best friend and now…well, I guess you could call him boyfriend, Patrick. I know there are many of you who were taken aback by the situation, and to be honest, so was I . Here’s what is going on. At the beginning of the summer, I was told I had a “hot neighbor boy” by K, who I live with. I took it with a grain of salt, and went on my way of meeting others, working, and living my life in general. Later, I was introduced, and Patrick and I quickly became great friends. We made breakfast and dinner together often, and he was there every night when I got home from work. He helped me settle down from the going downtown every night lifestyle, and yet it remained kind of a friends thing (in my mind) for a while. There were many times where Pat would sit on my bed talking to me while I got ready for a date, and once or twice, he met the guy in my driveway and shook his hand. Apparently, all the while, he was waiting on me to come around, to see what was in front of me. You know, same old story, right? Well, I continued building my relationships with others, until very, very recently I was blindsided by my genuine care and affection for him. It started when I realized how much I missed him when I went to NC/SC, but was just magnified when I saw how much my parents loved him. My parents took to him right away-which has never hapened before. I can’t describe it, but everyone in my family that was around just clicked with Patrick. The last thing my parents said to me as they left for the airport was, “hang onto him…we really, really like him.” Through all of this, it really just opened my eyes to the fact that I should just try to focus in on this and see where it takes me. I understand that it was a blow to some, but I hope everyone understands that I would never want anyone in my life to be sad. This hit me very suddenly, and I would be stupid not to try and see where it goes. A former friend once told me, “be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind…” I am keeping that in mind as I am met with people trying to make me feel bad about choosing this path. That’s all I am going to say about that. I am happy, though it still gets to me every day that this decision made a few people really sad. All I know is this-I care for Pat a lot, and what we have developed recently is so worth the pain that is undoubtedly ahead. At this point, Patrick and I know it’ll a rough road, to try and have a long distance relationship, and we don’t really know how much of a chance we have at this lasting. But, we decided giving it a shot gave us more chance than walking away, so here we are. He’s going to be riding with me to South Carolina in two weeks, then we’re headed up to North Carolina-hopefully we can meet up with a few of you!
I am going to try desperatley to make the most out of my last few days here. For those in Vermont, I really hope we can hang out one last time. For those in North Carolina and South Carolina…get ready, because I’m coming back.
