Void August 27, 2008

I have officially left Vermont, moved into my first house ever, and started my last year of school. Surprisingly, though, I am not nearly as excited as I think I should be in this case.

Many people who know me have recently asked,“what’s wrong?” on a fairly consistent basis. The fact of the matter is that I am not quite sure how to answer that inquisition. I’m not sure that anything is necessarily “wrong,” but I know I don’t feel completely “right.” My move from Vermont to South Carolina, then to North Carolina, was a whirlwind, and things have just begun to settle. As the dust clears, I have begun to notice that I feel a void is present. Whether it is in my heart or my life is yet to be determined, but it exists nonetheless. It’s not that I am crying all of the time (though it has happened a bit more than usual lately), it’s more of an uncomfortable calmness and distancing of myself that I currently possess. It leaves many people around me questioning, yet I am most curious of all as to the source.

I knew I’d miss Vermont; who wouldn’t? Though I spent my summer taking in the essence of the most beautiful location I’ve seen on earth thus far, Vermont is a place of still undiscovered mystery to me. Unlike in the South, I feel that I haven’t even scratched the surface of getting to know the types of people that live in the beautiful state. Even though (largely thanks to TB) I walked, hiked, and kayaked much of the land and water, I am sure that I haven’t come close to experiencing even a fraction of the natural wonders the area has to offer. I was also only hours away from a number of members of my extended family, and only minutes away from my favorite cousin, but I missed the opportunity to see them on more than one occasion. It’s safe to say that I will be back, if only to reclaim the roots I began to plant, and to take in the place I know I have left my heart.

Speaking of my heart, it is most likely beyond obvious that one reason for the void is my sudden detachment from a person who had become a fixture in my life-Patrick. He and I practically lived together this summer (as most of you know, we were neighbors), seeing each other upon arrival from work all the way up to the point where he would sleepily trudge back to his house at 2am, and texting any time in between. The fact that he was such an overwhelming presence in my life led to the unfortunate feeling of complete emptiness when he left me last Friday. I tend to be above situations, in my opinion-I am too prideful to let circumstances get the better of me. Surprisingly to me, unsurprisingly to the majority of you, I am sure, this situation grabbed me in the most upsetting way, and I am still trying to grip it correctly. Much to Pat’s chagrin, I am quick to throw in the towel, slow to apology and acceptance of such, and often fairly pessimistic. I know for a fact that all of these tendencies comprise a sort of defense mechanism I have put in place for myself-an unwillingness to allow either of us to get hurt. I need to take a cue from the way I’ve been in recent memory, and just jump in, take a risk, and see what happens. I also need to break down the parts of this so-called defense mechanism I have built, and treat Patrick with the love and respect he deserves, with the patience and attentiveness he so consistently offers me. Bear with me, HNB.

Lastly, financial worry has yet again crept up and taken over, with the burden of finding a steady source of income wearing on me. I am currently seeking after a position with the same company I worked for this summer-writing blogs for their wedding website. If I can secure this, I think I’ll be pretty set. I’m still attempting to have 3 jobs on top of that, though. Surprisingly, none but the blog-writing would be steady or pay even fairly well, but I need any money I can get at this point. I can’t wait until I am out of college and pulling myself out of this miserable financial pit of despair, though I know I still have a long road ahead with student loans.

As a positive, I am looking forward to my birthday which comes in 17 days. I’ll be 22 years old, and I’m hoping so deeply that I get the present that was semi-promised to me as of last week. The kitten issue is no more-my roommate is allergic, so I had to go a different route. Patrick and I talked about it, and are seriously considering a dog. He said he might buy me one for my birthday. Not a puppy that requires an inordinate amount of training, vet visits, and attention, not a massive dog…just a small to medium sized chill dog to keep me company and accompany me on this crazy life of mine. I have been against it in the past, but I’m beginning to see its merits. After a brief search online, I found an incredibly sweet looking border terrier mix on petfinder that looks exactly like Baxter from Anchorman, and fell in love. We’ll see though. So much could change in a month, and by that time, I may be on to my next desire or adventure. Best case scenario is that I get this job with the company I worked for over the summer, as well as the occasional catering weekend. This would allow me to spend a lot of time at home, rather than neglecting the dog as so many college students end up doing. Only time will tell, I guess.

I am determined to not let anything bring me down, but I’ll be the first to admit that it takes a lot of drive and focus to let that be the case. If I look to the future-not what I am leaving behind, I can realize that with each passing day, it is only getting better. With each passing day, I am one step closer to finishing this chapter of my life for good and moving on to the next one that I so desperately want to inhabit. Yet, as the lyrics of my favorite song, “Vienna,” by Billy Joel suggest, I need to slow down and live the life I’m living. Tommorow will come at its own pace.

“There is no future, there is no past. I live this moment as my last.There’s only us, there’s only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, no day but today”-RENT

Noise August 12, 2008

When a song is on repeat, you can’t help but focus on it, be affected by the lyrics, and think about it constantly. Such is the case with the countdown of days in my head. The tune of sadness is the same, but the words are different every time.

“6 days, 6 days, 6 days.”

“4 more days of being neighbors with Patrick.”

“5 more days of work.”

“A week and a half until school starts.”

“Less than a week until I am in the car back to South Carolina.”

All day, every day, this song of loss plays in my head. The numbers change, but yet it presses on. They are now in the single digits, and have been for a while. With every glance at a clock, every email received, every text looked at, I am reminded of the date, and the volume is turned up.

Where is the mute button, and why can’t I find it?

I wish I was capable of not focusing on such depressing facts, but that’s not in my character, my nature. Unfortunately, I have always been one to let things get to me and bother me until I am practically nauseated and pulling my hair out over the stress of being bogged down by negativity. It’s a flaw I am trying to eradicate, but this situation does not help in any way.

I have attempted to think about things I can look forward to in North Carolina. I have been left grasping at straws on more than one occasion. I finally got something to look forward to, and my spirits picked up noticeably. At this point, though, it’s not looking good anymore, which was a letdown. As simple as it was, it was something that was keeping me going, giving me something exciting to focus on, and now I am left grasping again.

I am presently standing on the edge of an amazing experience, staring into a void, an unknown. Behind me lie incredible opportunities, relationships, experiences, and places. I have to step forward, but my shoes feel full of lead. Regardless, what’s behind will quickly disappear, and I must press on.

It is, without a doubt, the most difficult transition of my life.

Someone, please, turn the volume down. I want to hear the beauty of these last few days, and dwell on the people, places, and experiences I have had the pleasure to behold.

Setting Sun August 1, 2008

(This blog was written over the course of a week or so)

I am presently in the backseat of a car right now, riding down interstate 93 on my way to Martha’s Vineyard.

Tuesday night, I flew to Charleston to see my family, saw a bunch of friends and family, and then headed to North Carolina to be a bridesmaid in Jess’ wedding. I flew into Burlington at 12:15 last night, only to wake up this morning, repack my bags, and head out to meet a few coworkers and a photographer to take the drive to Martha’s Vineyard. I’ll be spending the week there, Cape Cod, and Nantucket working on photo shoots and the like. My parents fly in for a vacation on Wednesday night, and I’ll be be able to see them a little this weekend, hopefully. I’m supposed to be leaving again next Sunday to go to the Hamptons for more shoots, but I’ve recently heard that may be postponed. We’ll see. After all of this, I still only have a few short weeks left in Vermont. I leave August 17 to come back to North Carolina, and I’ll be honest-I’m not looking forward to it.

It’s hard for me, knowing how much money Gardner-Webb costs, and not feeling at all happy there anymore. I question whether I have found true contentedness yet. I feel that I will be constantly seeking, searching, and running after this white rabbit called as such, and always looking ahead to my next adventure. I need to learn to be content in every situation, with any person, though it’s people that I am having a hard time with these days…

As I am writing this, I am thinking back to the relationships I have made here in Vermont, to the friends I saw these past few days in the South. I am sad to say that so many of them feel forced, so many feel fake, and so many feel like such a guise. I wonder why I keep falsehood so close to my heart, when it’s not even worth it. I am not sitting here wallowing in self pity, convincing myself that no one truly cares, etc. What I am saying is that I don’t feel close with most people these days, and I am quite sure that a majority of the fault lies at my feet. I have recently begun building a wall around myself, and only a select few have taken it upon themselves to try to scale it. I don’t expect anyone else to, really, and I actually would rather them not. I need to come to a point where I feel that I can trust people again. A number of past relationships have left me questioning the motivations and hearts of every person I come into contact with, which is a horrible way to interact with others. I am constantly on high alert, and I am very wary of letting others see my emotions. To be sure, this is my battle and mine alone, and I hope to succeed in the end. For those who are trying to get in, I appreciate your patience. For those who have given up, I don’t blame you.

——————————-(now being written almost a week later)———————-

I semi-frequently get the feeling that things are becoming out of my control, spinning just out of my grasp, consistently just shy of my fingertips. I’ve felt this feeling in recent days. With two and a half weeks until I leave for North Carolina, I am beginning to feel a loss in my heart, a loss of a place that has become my home. A loss of some people who I really began to get close with, a loss of the feeling of accomplishment I have after seeing the final product of some of my work…so much. I can’t describe it.

Another loss I am beginning to feel is the loss of someone who has become my very best friend and now…well, I guess you could call him boyfriend, Patrick. I know there are many of you who were taken aback by the situation, and to be honest, so was I . Here’s what is going on. At the beginning of the summer, I was told I had a “hot neighbor boy” by K, who I live with. I took it with a grain of salt, and went on my way of meeting others, working, and living my life in general. Later, I was introduced, and Patrick and I quickly became great friends. We made breakfast and dinner together often, and he was there every night when I got home from work. He helped me settle down from the going downtown every night lifestyle, and yet it remained kind of a friends thing (in my mind) for a while. There were many times where Pat would sit on my bed talking to me while I got ready for a date, and once or twice, he met the guy in my driveway and shook his hand. Apparently, all the while, he was waiting on me to come around, to see what was in front of me. You know, same old story, right? Well, I continued building my relationships with others, until very, very recently I was blindsided by my genuine care and affection for him. It started when I realized how much I missed him when I went to NC/SC, but was just magnified when I saw how much my parents loved him. My parents took to him right away-which has never hapened before. I can’t describe it, but everyone in my family that was around just clicked with Patrick. The last thing my parents said to me as they left for the airport was, “hang onto him…we really, really like him.” Through all of this, it really just opened my eyes to the fact that I should just try to focus in on this and see where it takes me. I understand that it was a blow to some, but I hope everyone understands that I would never want anyone in my life to be sad. This hit me very suddenly, and I would be stupid not to try and see where it goes. A former friend once told me, “be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind…” I am keeping that in mind as I am met with people trying to make me feel bad about choosing this path. That’s all I am going to say about that. I am happy, though it still gets to me every day that this decision made a few people really sad. All I know is this-I care for Pat a lot, and what we have developed recently is so worth the pain that is undoubtedly ahead. At this point, Patrick and I know it’ll a rough road, to try and have a long distance relationship, and we don’t really know how much of a chance we have at this lasting. But, we decided giving it a shot gave us more chance than walking away, so here we are. He’s going to be riding with me to South Carolina in two weeks, then we’re headed up to North Carolina-hopefully we can meet up with a few of you!

I am going to try desperatley to make the most out of my last few days here. For those in Vermont, I really hope we can hang out one last time. For those in North Carolina and South Carolina…get ready, because I’m coming back.